mom hates me

took me like three times writing this before I finally decided how I want to say it…

but my mother fucking sucks.

i mean, I don’t hate her or anything, that would be evil of me. I just pity her.

She abused me. I have absolutely no positive memories of her from my childhood. Not a single one. All my happy memories from my childhood are were with my dad or I was alone.

Without getting into too much detail, I’m just going to say, she hated me. Can you imagine that? Being hated by your own mother, when you’re a child, when you’re trapped in the home with her, forced to obey her. Forget all the abuse, torment, and psychologically damning things she did to me. Just the fact that your own mother hates you. As a kid. YOU NEED TO BE LOVED BY YOUR MOTHER. it’s not a want, it’s a need. And it’s a need I never, not once in my life, had filled. I’ve been carrying around a hole in my heart for 27 years now and counting. I know it will never be filled. I know that it’s my burden and mine alone, there will be no one in the future who can help me completely (I mean aside from therapy and stuff). Just this feeling, of knowing your mother hates you, is half the pain. All the abuse bundled together doesn’t surpass the pain of feeling unloved. I feel like I could adore my childhood in some light, in some capacity there is always a rainbow after a storm. But I can’t. I was simply hated. And that’s the way it’ll forever be.

so yeah. I just want to tell the world….

My success in life is not, in any capacity, because of my awful mother, but DESPITE her and despite surviving the terrible childhood she gave me.

I feel better now, putting this somewhere that everyone can see it if they want to.